I found the remote

[DieHardBrownsFan]

 

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

[calfoxwc]

LOL.

 

I just read that joke to my Wifie and her best friend. That's great. They cracked up bigtime.

[slowburn]

lol

[Stewy]

There was a lawyer, a priest, a doctor, and a little boy on a boat fishing.

 

The boat developed a leak and was taking on water fast...but there was only 1 life preserver on board.

 

The doctor said "let the boy have the life preserver, he's young and hasn't had a chance to live his life."

 

The selfish lawyer wanted the life preserver and said " fuck the boy!"

 

The priest said "do we have time?"

[blowe]

An auditor from the IRS was sent to a Jewish temple to audit them. To get a feel for how the rabbi used excess product he asked several questions. "First," he said, "what do you do with all the excess oil for the lamps?" The rabbi replied, "We take all the excess oil and send it back to the oil company. In appreciation of our continued business once a year the company sends us free oil." Next the auditor asked "Well what do you do with all the extra matzah balls?" "Again, we send them back to the company and once a year they will send us free product." Lastly, the auditor said "Well this is strange I know but I was wondering... what do you do with all the foreskins?" To this the rabbi smiled and replied, "We collect them all and send them to the IRS and once a year they send us a prick like you!"

[VaporTrail]

I was sitting at pizza parlor, eatting the pizza, when 14 year old girl walks in. She say at the manager, "I don't like your food. Then she walks to me." I look at her and says, "You need to learn maths sister baby, because you don't know nothing about nobody no how."

She got up.

So I say "No way Josie!" and punched her in the ear. She said "ow" and I say "no" and punch her in the eyeball.

The manager get up and go to the front and yell "help police this man eat my piz and punch girl in face!" So I throw him.

[calfoxwc]

An Irish lad, in Ireland, was looking forward to his eighteenth birthday all year. Their family tradition

on eighteenth birthdays, for him and his Dad, and Granddad, and GreatGrandad, was to walk across

the lake to the other side, and have their first legal shot of whiskey.

 

The big day came, and he went out, walked off the dock as the tradition goes...but fell into the lake and

nearly drowned, as he couldn't swim. In anguish that he failed the tradition, he asked his Mother what

was wrong.

 

She explained, that all the men before him were born in December....

[calfoxwc]

An expensive printer-copier had started putting horizontal lines all over every copy, so

the office manager called the repair number.

 

"It probably just needs cleaning, you can do that yourself easily enough, it explains how in the manual", he was advised.

 

Well, that's pretty honest and charitable, the manager thought. He asked the tech on the phone, "Does your boss know

you are hurting his business?" and laughed.

 

The tech simply replied that it was his boss's idea, ..."He found that he could make a lot more money, by letting

the customers try to fix the equipment themselves....."

[calfoxwc]

Old geezer: "Say, what is wrong wif my teef?"

 

Dentist: "Well, I'm puzzled. I can't find where they don't fit properly. They

fit perfectly in your mouth, sir"

 

Old geezer: "Well of course fey do. When I take them out, fey don't fit in the glass..."

[FairHooker11]

Max & Arlene lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota.It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Max asked Arlene if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer.

 

She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Arlene valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across he lake.

 

Ven she got home and gave Max his beer, she asked him, “Max, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store.

 

Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Max replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”