The Gang Picks a Quarterback.... (long, but funny as hell)

[Tour2ma]

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The Gang Picks a Quarterback (self.Browns)

251 points submitted 6 hours ago* by MichaelDayton

Dennis: I'm so psyched about the draft.

Mac: yeah, me too, bro.

Dennis: Just think, Sam Darnold is going to be the guy that finally gets Cleveland to a championship.

Mac: wait, Darnold?

Dennis: yes Darnold. Who else would they pick number one?

Mac: obviously you pick the biggest, strongest guy to come out of the draft, like ever. Josh Allen.

Dennis: What? Allen is a scrub. He couldn't hit the lake if he was standing in it.

Mac: dude, he could hit the lake from the 50 yard line. Have you seen his muscles? He could throw the ball from Cleveland and break big Ben's ankle in shitsburgh.

Dennis: Cleveland needs a guy with skill. Allen doesn't have skill, all he has is strength.

Mac: strength is a skill.

Dennis: no it's not.

Mac: yes it is. Dee agrees with me. Dee, is strength a skill?

Dee: what are guys arguing about?

Dennis: we're trying to decide who Cleveland should pick at quarterback in the draft. Josh Allen or Sam Darnold.

Mac: look this is Sam Darnold.

Mac shows Dee a picture of Sam Darnold. Dee is disgusted.

Mac: and this is Josh Allen.

Mac shows Dee a picture of Josh Allen.

Dee: I pick that one.

Mac: Ha!

Dennis: what? You don't even know anything about him.

Dee: well, I know that guy is ugly, and that guy is cute with big muscles. What else would I care about?

Charlie: What are we talking about?

Dennis: Charlie will agree with me. Charlie, Darnold or Allen?

Charlie: Darnold. Definitely.

Mac: What? Charlie doesn't even know who those guys are.

Charlie: I do know who those guys are. They're quarterbacks. Darnold is the red head guy. I like him. He's got that serious face like he's always trying to solve a hard problem, like world hunger or something.

Dennis: and he's a good quarterback.

Charlie: yeah, but I like the face thing.

Dennis: whatever. We have a tie. Two for stupid Allen and two for Darnold. We need a tie breaker. Where's Frank. Frank!

Frank: what do you want?

Dennis: we're trying to decide who Cleveland should take for their quarterback in the draft.

Frank: Id take the short guy.

Dennis: what? Baker Mayfield? No we're trying to decide between Sam Darnold and Josh Allen.

Frank: Those guys are chumps. I like Mayfield because he's like a Johnny manziel 2.0

Mac: Frank, Johnny manziel was horrible. Why would you want another Johnny?

Frank: he seems like the kind of guy I could have a drink with.

Dennis: what does that have to do with anything. That's precisely the reason why they shouldn't draft him. You have to choose between Darnold and Allen.

Frank: no, I'm going to stick with Johnny 2.0.

Dennis: fine. Dee, come here.

Dee walks over

Dee: what? I'm not picking the ugly guy.

Dennis: come on Dee. What about this guy. Josh Rosen. He's good and his family is rich.

Dennis shoes Dee a picture of Rosen.

Dee: okay. I could probably get behind that guy. He's got kind of a dopey face, but a cute kind of dopey.

Dennis: perfect. Rosen is my second choice. He would still be better than Allen. So, we'll go with Rosen.

Charlie: wait, I don't like Rosen.

Dennis: what? Why don't you like Rosen?

Charlie: he doesn't have a cool nickname, like firecracker.

Dennis: who is firecracker?

Charlie: that's my nickname for Darnold. The red head in Cincinnati has a cool nickname. Red rifle. I thought our red head could also have a cool nickname, so I'm going to call him firecracker.

Dennis: first of all, firecracker is a stupid Nickname. Second, Rosen has a cool nickname. He's the Chosen Rosen.

Charlie: nah, I'm not buying it. I'm out.

Dennis: ok. Fine. Well we still outnumber Mac. Two for Rosen and one for Allen.

Dennis turns to Mac

Dennis: Mac, we're picking Rosen. Dee and I agree.

Mac: what? That's not fair. You can't just switch sides like that. He doesn't seem like your type Dee. He's too smart for you.

Dee: he's smart? I don't know about this Dennis. I don't want him making me feel stupid.

Dennis: what? It doesn't...Dee he's just football smart. Outside of that I'm sure he's dumb as a box of rocks. I'm sure you'll still be able to manipulate him.

Mac: no you won't. He's like a super genius or something. Nobody likes him because he always acts like he knows everything.

Dennis: no you're just making stuff up. Nobody believes that garbage. It's over Mac. We're picking Rosen.

Charlie: guys I change my vote. I want this Mayfield guy.

Dennis: what? Why charlie?

Charlie: I looked up some stuff on this guy. And he's like really good. He's like the best quarterback in college like ever. He won this award called the hymen. And he's got like 80 percent completion percentage. He's better than Brady and Manning put together. And he has a cool nickname. Baefield.

Frank: Yeah, suck it. Johnny 2.0 it is!

Mac: But he's so small.

Dee: Eww. Gross. I hate short guys.

Dennis: Yeah, he doesn't have the right build. He's just not a typical quarterback. We need a tall, strong guy, who's smart and can read defenses. All those stats are bloated because of the system that he was in.

Mac: Yeah, that's something that we can agree on. Not Mayfield. He's just a system guy. He won't last in the NFL.

Charlie: Actually, I found this one article where his coach says that he's really smart and will, like adjust plays and stuff on the field.

Mac: So, he's not like Johnny 2.0? He's more like a Russell Wilson, or a Drew Brees? ...

Dennis: No...

Mac: Alright, I'm in. Baker Mayfield it is. That's three for Mayfield and two for Rosen.

Dennis: Wait, where's Frank?

Mac: Frank!

Frank pops his head through the front door.

Frank: What?

Mac: Where did you go? we need your vote.

Frank: Nah, Mayfield sounds too smart to be Johnny 2.0. I'm done with this. I'm going to do something more productive with my time, like steal some seats from the Columbus Crew stadium.

Mac: Dammit, Frank!

The gang continues to argue between Rosen and Mayfield.

Roger Goodell: And with the first pick in the 2018 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select...Saquon Barkley, Penn State.

[calfoxwc]

 

 

[Dutch Oven]

cal gets extra testy on FBI Raid Days... 

And he posts another article that is a year old... Awesome. 

[mjp28]

OMG it's like the Sunny writers have been reading The Browns Board for the last four months!