Pirates - Dead Men review

[Westside Steve]

Pirates Of the Caribbean

Dead Men Tell No Tales

Disney

PG13. 129 min

A friend of mine was pondering the question why in the world did anyone make this movie? Well-the answer to that seems pretty clear and that's the reason I'm reviewing it today. It's going to be maybe the biggest box-office blockbuster to hit the theaters this season and thats even after the dozens of horrible reviews. (I checked after I got this one rolling). As I have probably mentioned the summer season is, in my opinion, a giant trash heap when it comes to moving pictures in spite of the fact that huge amounts of money are spent on these extravaganzas and A-list actors and special effects wizards don't come cheap.

As I mentioned I pretty much despised another one of this type of film, KING ARTHUR, but while I am giving them both a D rating I think I might hate PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN (dead men tell no tales) a little bit worse. Why? Because Disney has all the money in the world-and are perfectly capable of making some of the best films in the history of celluloid , while Arthur's director Guy Ritchie who can barely find his own ass with both hands.

I did wonder why the reputedly arrogant Johnny Depp signed on for yet another role on the high seas but I suppose everybody has a price. Also nobody that cares a lot about great acting is going to this movie anyway. Besides Geoffrey Rush also has his Academy award, as well as a primetime Emmy and a Tony, so I guess he figures it's time to get paid.

But neither Depp nor Rush are responsible for this bomb. The acting is what it is , among those two Javier Bardem Kaya Scodelario and Orlando Bloom I'm pretty sure they could do better work with a better script but you know the old saying, wish in one hand... To tell you the truth I can't imagine how anyone who has ever read a story or watched a movie couldn't have come-up with at-least something resembling a plot.

This doesn't really add up to a story but here are a few things that happen and seemed to be loosely related to each-other. Henry (Benton Thwaites) tells the British officers that they are heading into the devil's triangle so they throw him in prison. He is met by the ghost of captain Salazar (Bardem)who has a message for Jack Sparrow. I'm not positive what that message was but it must have been important. Meanwhile Carina (Scodelario), an astronomer (but thought to be a witch), has a map in her head which will lead everybody to the magical Poseidons Trident which we assume will do something really astounding . By the way, this is another movie that has swipe a hook from the book of Genesis but I'll let you see what that is on your own. Theres a ghost ship filled with pirate zombies who kill a lot of people, and it seems that everyone on screen wants to kill Captain Jack. To be fair the fact that she is an astronomer actually has something to do with the climax of the movie. Not particularly interesting but still...

So this story is just a platform to give Depp the opportunity to mince and mumble through the film treating us to his famous Keith Richard imitation, which I actually enjoy.

I don't care for every characterization he puts together but this is one of his best. Still it's unfortunately not nearly enough to carry two plus hours without getting boring. And as usual the effects or a state-of-the-art but for some reason they seem to be a little bit over bearing after five episodes.

Speaking of overbearing, I sat through the credits and found that at the very end there is a teaser for episode number 6 in which, if I'm not mistaken, Henry and Carina will face a giant lobster.

I can't wait.

 

D

WSS